They say time goes by fast.
What a complete understatement.
As I sit here writing this, my oldest child is living in her apartment in Cincinnati (year two), and my son (recent high school graduate) is on a fishing trip with friends in Canada. Although my son technically still lives at home, he splits his time between my house and his dad’s house so I still only get him after work and after social activities 2-3 nights each week. Most of our “quality” time is spent with me sitting on the foot of his bed catching up right before he goes to sleep, because he usually comes home only about an hour before bedtime.
Bedtime used to be cuddles and prayers, and “come tuck me in!” It was arranging the stuffed animals just right, and “mom you forgot to kiss me!” (I never forgot, I liked when my kids would call me back in when they realized they didn’t get a kiss goodnight). Now it’s boiled down to a short conversation, a quick hug, and “goodnight baby, I love you.” (Because I don’t care how old they are, they are my babies). And time with my daughter boils down to facetime calls and stealing her away from her boyfriend when she’s back in our hometown, but she doesn’t even sleep at home anymore, since they have a bedroom at his house.
It’s crap. Empty nesting is crap. Maybe some parents look forward to that time of their home being empty, but for me, these kids have been my priority their entire lives and shifting to make myself a priority is a tough task for sure. Although it’s healthy for me to make decisions for my own future (per my therapist), those decisions still carry some guilt of letting down my kids by not putting them first. Make no mistake, I raised my kids to be extremely independent and self sufficient, and they are. Do they “need” me? Not really. Can they run their own households at this point? My daughter, yes. My son- he could, but it would be very messy and paying bills would be a rude awakening- but he could do it. They are both very capable. Now I have to figure out how capable I am of learning to live my life for me. I spend time with friends and have another girls’ trip planned (Key West this time) and I’m starting to really make a travel list of the places on this planet that I really want to visit. But I’m struggling a little.
It’s only been a month since my youngest graduated high school and so far all I’ve managed to do is bury myself in work, plan and execute his graduation party, and take myself back to the gym a few days a week. My diet is crap, mostly because I hate grocery shopping and also don’t love cooking. It’s the worst chore of being an adult, if you ask me. One thing this past year has taught me is to really be present in the moment. If I get only five minutes with my son as he’s passing through, I take it and embrace it and make sure I get one more hug. If my dad asks to go to Put-in-Bay for father’s day, we take the time (my siblings and I) and make it happen and really enjoy the time. When my sister needed help painting, I pulled myself off of my comfy little couch and we painted and talked for hours. Each one of these little things refills my cup, and I’m looking forward to more of these types of activities. I guess knowing that my “nest” is gonna be empty soon has really focused my attention on being intentional with my time. Don’t misunderstand, I still have days where I veg out to some series on Netflix and spend the day or weekend doing laundry and napping, but when I make plans, I’m all in. I’m paying attention to the little moments, the easy laughs, the nice breeze on a humid summer day, the kind words shared among friends, a slow walk through the park, and the making of memories. I’m focusing on the joy in my life and trying to slow time down to recognize it.
I already work full time during the weekdays, part time in the evenings and weekends on real estate when I have clients, and am running my first airbnb. But I still find myself with “off time” and honestly, I don’t know what to do sometimes. I’ve been single for over a year now, and my interest in dating isn’t really driving me to jump back in the dating pool full throttle, because I’ve spent eighteen years of my life in two major relationships, both with men who didn’t really value me enough to commit fully or make me a priority. So here I am, on a Saturday night sitting in my office with both of my dogs and my cat staring at me while I type on my computer. I may or may not have a glass of wine next to me. You’ll never know. Stress and loneliness are taking a toll on me today, so I took myself for a walk through the park and walked barefoot most of the way. Barefoot mostly because it was a last minute decision and I wasn’t in exercise-friendly shoes, but I’m glad I had flip flops on, because when I took them off and walked, it really grounded me to my surroundings. Plus I released the guilt of not going to the gym today, because at least I got in my steps.
I haven’t been going to church lately either, because again, I go alone. Am I alone at church? Of course not, I’m surrounded by people everywhere and filled with the Holy Spirit, but sitting by myself without a partner and looking around the church at all of the paired up couples gets to me sometimes. I wonder if there’s a “singles” section and I just don’t know about it lol. I’m gonna ask tomorrow. It sounds like I’m not there for the right reason, but I am. I’m there to worship my God and pray, and to thank him for every blessing. The “alone” part is just something I think of every time I sit down and there’s an empty chair next to me.
I think I’m just in a general funk about the future. My kids are starting their lives as adults and I’m just here like, ok, now what? Obviously I’ll figure it out, I always do, it’s just a time of adjustment and there’s no guidebook. Not really anyway. I’ve been through more traumatic life changing times, and I knew this was coming, but time went by too fast. Way too fast. What I do know is there’s still plenty of racing season left, so I plan on breathing in the smell of tire burnouts and race car exhaust while sipping my wine from my favorite tumbler on the wall in the warm summer evenings coming up, singing along to some live music, laughing with my friends for the foreseeable future and planning some more little trips here and there to start seeing places I couldn’t afford to go while raising my babies. Maybe I’ll be able to convince them to do some of these things with me, maybe not. You know damn well I’m gonna try.
At this point you might be thinking to yourself, What’s the point of this blog post? There really isn’t one except that maybe there’s one mom or dad out there that relates to it. Someone who’s raising their glass and saying, yes girrrrl, yes. I’m not trying to change the world with my words, just share my life, a little at a time in the hopes that something I go through resonates with another soul and makes you feel not so alone in things. Maybe it’s to make me not feel so alone, either way, I write this with love. (I think the wine is kicking in…). I guess it’s time to get back to binge watching Beverly Hills 90210 now and pretending that it’s still the 1990’s and I’m still in high school, when time was simpler and I didn’t have a care in the world.
May love and comfort surround you always.
~ Lis
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